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Quotes about the Smile  and Brain Builder Games

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Give up!

Outlaws are wanted!  LOL

 Posted by Roselove7 at 09:10 AM on January 07, 2010 

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

*******

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

*******

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park.  Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother.  "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply.  "She sells candy."


********

Simon's motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn't getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.

Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,' said Simon ungraciously.

************

And one you may have heard......

Q:  What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

A:One requires a tweetment and the

other requires an oinkment

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..." 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..." 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A new hair salon was opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. 

They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" 

Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign: 

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

One  evening, a 5-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

Two snakes Bernard and Sam are talking in the weeds,

The 1st one said 'Sam, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask Benard?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

More to come...........